It's Been Awhile

First off, I think I owe whoever is reading this a huge apology. I have had no motivation over the past 3 months to write a new entry. I have struggled with Depression for the past almost-two years, but I have never allowed it to consume me. The past few months have been different. Depression is real, folks. I've pulled myself up by my boot straps now, thank goodness, and finally told some important people about it, so my hope is that things will improve a bit, but good Lord...it's no lie how awful Depression feels. Think of almost any adjective that ends in "less"...I've felt it: worthless, hopeless, helpless, the list goes on. After nearly two years of almost-constant sadness and frustration, I finally started wallowing in my own self-pity.

You see, even though this blog is supposed to be about our angel babies and what life is like after 'losing' them, this entry is going to be about the back burner issue- the thing that I've played off to many. Only a handful of people know the extent of my health.

I have Ataxia. By definition, it's a degenerative disease of the nervous system. In layman's terms, imagine MS, ALS, and Parkinson's had a baby- that's Ataxia. After two years of searching for a diagnosis and being told it was all in my head, having specialists ask if I'd like a referral to a psychiatrist (because I obviously had a case of Malingering or Conversion Disorder), etc., I was finally diagnosed with Ataxia in November 2018 and had it confirmed in July 2019. The next step is to figure out what type I have (there are around 100; dietary and substance-induced have been ruled out). This disease is progressive in nature and was slow-moving at first. I began to notice some slurring of my words in June 2015, but attributed it to Anxiety since I only really noticed it when I ran group therapy sessions at my job. I also noticed a small amount of difficulty walking down hill, but all of these symptoms were only noticed by me at that time. Even as symptoms worsened, it was relatively easy to "cover up". I could go to a job interview and work hard to make any slurring go away. If I stumbled, I could almost always blame it on something else, like someone stepping on my foot, me being a klutz, etc.

Since Spring 2018, I have been unable to hide most symptoms, except walking. Until very recently, I've been able to keep up with others, will myself to walk in a straight line, and use a shopping cart to lean on while at stores. This summer, that changed. Enter the walker in June. I'm 29 and have a walker. I don't use it all the time, but when I'm going out in public, I rely on it. A huge fear of mine is falling in public or having someone stop me and kick me out of their establishment for public drunkenness.

So, that has been what's been going on "behind the scenes"...yes, I'm struggling to keep a pregnancy, but I am struggling even more to get to a point where I can carry a baby in my arms. Here's hoping that something changes for the better. Until next time :) xoxo Anna