Emotions

Hi Everyone, First of all, I took a pregnancy test last week (I have every week since my D&E) and, for the first time, it was negative. I knew, logically, that my un-pregnant body would go back to normal as my hormones went away. But, to actually see it was devastating.

January 8, 2019

January 17, 2019

All this has added t0 my already crazy emotions. For example, one day I might feel totally fine: I'll hang out with my husband, do chores, watch a comedy, go out to eat, etc. and while our babies are always in my mind, the sadness of not having them with me is not at the forefront. However, the very next day, I might find myself searching for miscarriage quotes on Pinterest and crying sporadically all day about the "loss" (That word is weird...I didn't lose my babies. I know where they are).

And of course, there's the jealousy of women who are currently pregnant or talking about conceiving. It's not that I am angry at them or think that they are undeserving; it's not that at all. I just wish I was 14 weeks pregnant and also in that "club". I wish I was getting ready to create a baby registry and discussing nursery plans with my husband and seeing a perfect little baby on an ultrasound. But, I'm not and 'they' are. And no, I'm not angry or resentful at them. Anyone who wants and can provide a loving home to a child, deserves one. I just have that ability and can't have that baby that I SO badly want. I went to a baby shower last weekend for a good friend. I am incredibly happy for her and her husband and think they are so deserving of a tiny blessing. Her shower was beautiful and I loved seeing friends who I care about and miss dearly! But, afterward, I felt like I got hit by a truck. I was physically tired and an emotional wreck. I was sad and cried...for myself and for my husband. For the looks I received at the shower from people who knew what I went through two weeks prior. For the tiny baby gifts that were so perfect, but were like tiny salt shakers, pouring salt in a very open and un-healed wound. For the very-present emptiness in my womb. For the gift I wouldn't be able to give my husband in July. And for my loneliness...what wouldn't be. That night, my husband suggested that I not go to any baby showers for the next few months and the next day, his mother agreed and suggested I go on a vacation of all things baby until I can handle it...and that whoever cares will understand and whoever doesn't shouldn't matter. I love that woman. So, that has been my life as of late. I'm either a mess or I'm not. I'm 100 or 0, it seems; no in-between. Apparently, moderation doesn't exist in grief. I'm trying to be okay with that.